Today, you would have been 47 years old. You have been gone for almost five years now. Every year, your passing teaches me more as I look deeper into my own shadows. I will never understand the depth of your pain, but the more I slow down and look within my own heart the more connected I feel to yours. My heart aches when I think of the many times you called me to tell me you were broken. I listened to you cry and tell me all the things that were going wrong and all the people that were hurting you. What if you believed you were NOT broken? Would you still be here?
If I only knew what I know now. I would tell you over and over that you were perfect just as you are. You tried so hard to make people love you. You took them on trips, baked the most amazing cookies, cooked the most beautiful meals, planned special parties and events and always purchased the most thoughtful gifts for friends, family and loved ones. But you never ate your cookies, and you never gave the love you had for others to yourself.
What if we weren’t broken? What if we were just in pain? What if that pain was there to teach us and guide us? What if we loved ourselves enough to know that when we allow the pain and feelings to surface, we would come out on the other side with a deeper understanding of ourselves and what we are capable of? What if our shadow showed us the light? What if?
I still struggle with this and often catch myself sitting in my chair with my coffee staring out the window stuck in my thoughts. My body fills with more anxiety and fear which then paralyzes me. Catching myself in my thoughts I remind myself that when I focus on what is not working…I create more of that. I purposely stop myself sometimes and even say out loud “focus on what is working.” Gratitude goes a long way.
I know you are still with me Crystal. I connect with you almost every day. The numbers 11:11 come into my view repeatedly. I used to think it was strange, but now it happens so often that even Abigail and Nolan stop and say hello to Auntie Crystal when they see the numbers 11:11 or 1:11.
I can’t bring you back, but I can continue to love you and learn from you Crystal. You were never broken and will always be one of my biggest teachers.
“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.”
1 thought on “Perfectly Imperfect”
This was very touching, Shannon. The more I learn about your story, the more I admire you. After you left Cindey’s a couple weeks ago she and I talked about what a warrior you are.